Plans are afoot and a broken leg for next year’s Grand National to be changed to the more exciting, mouth watering and piss soaked pant-wetting ‘Gran National.’ Animal charities have today, yesterday and every other day been up in arms about stupid fucking horses dying every year at the equine event because they can’t quite jump high enough. Contingency plans were put in place to paint all horses black, as black humans are apparently better at jumping through hoops and of course jumping to put balls through hoops, which was of course hilariously unproven in the KKK sponsored film - ‘White Men Can’t Jump (but can afford Nike Pumps).’ Unfortunately these plans failed as all the black paint had been used to cover up last weekend’s Tory government scandals. MPs literally took to the streets and covered computers with black paint to stop the world finding out that George Osborne was actually Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. The other problem was that these plans were intrinsically racist. The rest of the paint had been used to paint Slash from Guns N’ Roses new hat as the rock group prepared to be entered into the musical hall of fame. Ginger cunt Axl Rose will be indoctrinated into the musical hall of flame because of his lava locks. 

Anyway, back to the main story about murdering innocent animals for sick human pleasure. Next year’s race will take place at the newly named ‘Paintree’ and instead of horses, the jockeys will be able to sit on the backs of various grans. The grans will be plucked from nursing homes around the country and plucked from head to toe because no-one wants to see a furry old grey mingey pie. Only the fittest (looks not health) will be entered into the actual race. They’ll train for six months and will be tested to see if they ‘get-off’ on the whipping. Their vaginas will undergo a severe moisture test from the tongue of a horse and if there’s any hint of enjoyment, they will be shot in the face with a gun and not spunk from a big old cock. That’s just too much. Plenty of (knob) jockeys were available for comment but because their voices were so high, no one could be sure what they were saying other than Joe Pasquale. He translated it as something like “We like riding horses, because if not we’ll only be employed at Christmas as elves in shopping centres and as the cute figures in pantomimes (horses). We embrace change and can’t wait to saddle up on some floppy-titted old mares.”

The BRB (Blue Rinse Brigade) said they’d be right back but were happy to take part in the equestrian fun as no one had taken advantage of them for years. The horses have said that it’s a load of old pony as they actually really enjoy the possibility of dying when they go to work. Leeds based spokeshorse *Dessert Our Kid said - “we like the risk element involved and I get to eat so many fucking sugar cubes. I fucking love sugar cubes because Haribo always get stuck in my teeth. I don’t really like the Sugababes because their song ‘Hole in the Head’ makes me think about my wife who got shot at Doncaster (sugar) last year. Anyway, I’m contradicting myself but I’m all for horses being used and abused. We’re not allowed to sniff gas down mines anymore and when people come up to me and ask ‘why the long face’ - I have to say it’s because I’m a one trick pony and all I do is get fisted by salacious vets. I have three wristwatches inside me which are ticking and tickling my anus. Also, why would I wanna lick an elderly beaver when my stud of an owner comes into my un-stable and tosses me off with a hockey stick and a copy of the Yellow Pages.”

The Tories are currently in talks with no-one as the country hasn’t forgiven them for the petrol pump fiasco where one idiot from Norwich even filled his horse up with diesel. The rest of the country doesn’t care about anything because they’re too engrossed in celebrating the fact that a ship sunk 100 years ago by sending out more ships to commemorate the fact that a ship sunk 100 years ago. A Tory spokescunt was quoted as irrelevantly saying “If it wasn’t for horses, the French wouldn’t have anything to eat other than slugs and toads.” 

So in conclusion from 2013 the racing of horses will be forbidden but midget horses are allowed to ride on the backs of the obese and jockeys can ride grandmothers. The traditional joke ‘I was feeling a little hoarse’ will also be banned as it encourages the fingering of ponies. Horses will be banned from watching Neighbours, not because of the noise but because it’s fucking shit. The Tories will also be banning blacks as gays are in vogue at the moment due to John Barrowman. It’s hoped the plans will boost the economy due to the savings at nursing homes, an influx of granny gambling and of course because horses will now all be able to get proper jobs in the city. Zebra crossings will now be known as horse crossings and the police are to be given giraffes to ride. Horseplay will now just be known as being ‘sexually frustrated.’

One last thing. No one knows how tall horses are because you’re supposed to use the cardboard bit from inside a kitchen roll to measure them. No one has ever bothered but it’s estimated most horses are roughly 63 cardboard-bits-from-inside-a-kitchen-roll high.

*This blog is a tribute to Dessert Our Kid who has contracted diabetes and has had all his stupid legs amputated. He’s currently in a stable condition but has given consent for Damien Hirst to pickle him in formaldehyde when he dies tomorrow.

What are you laughing at cunt? You’re gonna be made into glue.